Read Part 1 and Part 2 of “How We Saved Our Marriage”.

After our Serious Talk, Darrel and I felt a lot more optimistic about the state of our marriage.

In behavior, nothing had yet changed, but simply being on the same page again, simply communicating clearly with each other injected a spirit of hope into our lives that we hadn’t felt in a long time. 

I left for work the morning after our Serious Talk and epiphany, which was actually perfect since that gave us some distance to sit and work on our homework assignments.

We realized that showing each other that we loved each other had been easy when we were alone. With the kiddos around, our lives had changed. We couldn’t have 100% of our focus on each other any longer (even without chronic health issues), and our personal expectations and needs had changed, as well.

So for our first homework assignment, we each had to sit down and write out the things we needed to hear and see from the other person in order to feel loved. 

This goes back a “5 Love Languages“-type approach. We realized that neither of us had actually stopped doing things to show our love for each other; with the demands of our life being so much more demanding, though, we needed to prioritize to make sure that the things we did for each other would get the most “love bang” for the their buck!

I had the additional homework assignment of writing out my priorities for housekeeping. 

Darrel, as I said, is not a mind reader, and he agreed that having a list printed and displayed would help make him aware of what I wanted done, and ensure that anything he DID around the house would be off my list. That would ensure the house operated more smoothly, and I would feel gratitude for his participation and loved by him (turns out? “Acts of service” is one of my “love languages”!).

In the end, I created 4 lists for our wall: daily tasks, weekly tasks, never-ending tasks, and a “honey-do” list.

I printed them out, put them in some cheap frames I had laying around (that I spray painted to be pretty), and hung them up. We use a dry erase marker to check off tasks as completed.

It seems so simple, right? Could a conversation and some homework assignments really make a major difference in our relationship?

YES.

The morning I flew home from work, Darrel sent me a text saying he’d had a hard time sleeping that night, and instead of getting up and playing video games or watching TV, he’d taken advantage of his unexpected insomnia to scrub the bathtub out for me.

He’d heard me mention that I was especially sore and achy after this work trip, and thought I might appreciate a long, hot soak when I got home, you see!

Y’all, I can’t tell you the last time Darrel made a gesture like that on his own! Driving home from the airport that morning, I felt like I was floating!

And I enjoyed a “kids-free bath tub soak” that was just what the doctor ordered.

Darrel’s birthday was last week, and I surprised him with a date. I arranged for my parents to watch the kids overnight, and showed up at Darrel’s office before he left for the day. We ate dinner at his desk, then went to a place that has mini-golf and arcade games (and other activities) and played for a couple of hours before going home and getting some cuddle time without kids interfering.

I’ll be honest – neither Darrel or I have been able to check off every item on my daily or weekly lists at the end of every day or week. However, more of those jobs are getting done than ever had before, and now I’m not anxious about the lack of completion.

If the job didn’t get done that day or week, I know, now, that it was because we had too much to do and couldn’t get to it, rather than “I’ve worked my tail off and he’s not helping”.

We’re both working off the list, and that makes it possible for me to not feel upset when the list doesn’t end.

Darrel has left love notes out for me to find at unexpected moments, which always make me smile and feel “twitterpated” (you’ve seen Bambi, right?).

We’re back to seeing eye-to-eye on all things. No more feeling like the other person “doesn’t get it” or is being stubborn and willful.

We’re more casually affectionate toward each other. More random hand-holding, side hugs, quick pecks, and sitting side by side on the couch.

The biggest benefit, though, is in Darrel’s demeanor.

I know you’ll think I’m exaggerating, but he looks younger now! He’s lighter and more pleasant in everything; more patient with the kids, smiling more, laughing more, finding more humor in things. He’s just…happier in all aspects of his life.

Turns out, Darrel can handle anything that life throws at him, as long as he confidently has me in his corner.

Darrel says the same demeanor change is there for me, too. That I seem happier and calmer, as well.

Apparently, I can handle anything life throws at me, too, as long as I know Darrel is in my corner.

We’re a damn good team, y’all. We make it possible for each other to function at our best…as long as we are together in our hearts.

__________

Now, all marriages are different, and while I shared this story because I thought it could help somebody, I realize it won’t help everyone.

However, having been in a marriage that ended, and in one that is still going strong, I can say with total honesty: as long as both of you WANT to make the marriage work, you CAN make it work. There is always hope!

Maybe your epiphany will look different than ours. Maybe your homework assignments will be completely unrelated to ours. Maybe the change will be slower.

But it can be done.

For your kids, but mostly for your own soul, if you are in a marriage that is in a rough place, I sincerely hope you’ll reach out and have a conversation with your spouse.

If both of you are willing to accept responsibility for your own actions and do what needs doing, you can have your Honeymoon marriage back and life will feel better all around.

I know it seems hard to do when things are rough, but it helps to remember why you married your spouse before you start the conversation. 

Here’s a tip to help in that process: before you sit down to talk to your spouse, grab some quiet, alone time by yourself. (If you have to hide in a closet to do it, so be it.) Close your eyes, and start with the first day you met your spouse.

Force yourself to remember every little thing you liked about the person. Think about their smile, their good qualities. Think about the things your spouse did that made you feel like the most important person in the world. Think about the times your spouse has “gone to bat” for you; defended you and your family. Think about the sweet, loving things your spouse has done.

If you’re like me, your brain will automatically start throwing in “Yeah, but…” thoughts.

FIGHT THEM.

Focus on the Good. 

A little bit of time with that, and you may not be madly in love with your spouse again, but your heart will probably be softened enough to ease some of the stings from the recent disconnect you’ve experienced.

Your heart and mind will remember: I married this person for a reason. I love this person. I can sit and love this person in my conversation today, offering grace and understanding (even if I disagree). This person is important to me, and we need to figure out how to make sure we show that to each other.

It works, y’all. I did that, and it made it a LOT easier to listen to the hurtful things Darrel said in our first conversation. It made it possible to not immediately jump on the defensive. It made it possible to temporarily ignore the sadness and remember the love.

Showing forgiveness, grace, and understanding to him made it possible for him to show the same things back to me.

And we saved our marriage.

I don’t think I have all the answers about marriage. I don’t assume what I’ve said here will work for everyone.

I only hope that this story might give someone some hope, some encouragement, and maybe an idea of a place to start.

Let’s not let FPIES (or parenthood in general) trash our marriages.

Let’s fight for them. 

Last week I mentioned that Darrel and I have had to do some serious marital work lately, so I’m going to take a slight detour from the world of FPIES and Fructose Malabsorption and share that story.

I’ve debated about sharing this for two reasons. One, because it’s not directly related to food issues, and two, because it’s very personal and private.

With Darrel’s permission and agreement, though, I decided to share because I think some people can benefit from hearing this story, and in a way, it can  trace back to food issues (at least partially).

If you’re married, you surely know that all marriages have ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

That’s part of those pesky vows we make on our wedding day. “In good times and bad, in sickness and in health.”

ALL marriages go through times of great connection and passion, and times where you almost feel more like roommates who share the same name.

So, in my humble opinion, all marriages require work at some point. It takes effort to remain committed during times when your relationship…well…sucks.

Add to a normal marriage the strains of a chronic illness (or two, or three), and you’ve got a recipe for marital disintegration.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know I’m a proponent of the “bucket theory”. Usually this applies to tolerance levels of trigger foods, but it actually can apply to much more.

I’ve read relationship books that refer to this theory as a “bank account”; the general idea is that in any relationship, we make “love” deposits into the other persons “bank account”, and on bad days (or bad times) make withdrawals.

I like to keep things streamlined in my own head, so I prefer to think of it as “filling my husband’s bucket”.

If I’m pretty good at keeping his bucket full of lovey-dovey, warm fuzzy feelings for me, then on my bad days (or bad stretches), when I’m being nothing but an irritating nag, there’s a pretty deep well of love in his heart to balance out any draining I’m doing.

Of course, this works in reverse, too. Darrel has to keep my bucket pretty full so on days when I’m picking up his laundry from all over the bathroom floor (5 feet from the laundry hamper), I don’t decide I hate him.

When Darrel and I met, we had an intense connection. For those unfamiliar with the story, you should read it.

Some people say that “opposites attract”. It’s true; they do.

But they don’t often have the ability to stay together for the long haul.

Darrel and I are more of the opinion that it is the similarities that bring true closeness.

Differences add spice and interest to a relationship, but if you don’t have some very important core issues in common, the foundation will never be firm enough to withstand those rough patches.

From the very beginning, Darrel and I realized we had ALL the core values in common. Even minor things were completely simpatico between us.

And we still had enough differences to keep a little spice and interest!

Suffice it to say, our relationship had a HUGE, very full bucket of love and respect to draw on during these last two FPIES years.

I commented in our anniversary post a year and a half ago and again on our 5 year anniversary that I loved the fact that Darrel understood I needed to give 85% of myself to the boys right now, putting him last. That we both knew that one day, we could again put each other and our marriage in its proper place as the top priority in our lives, and were only back-burnering it temporarily due to the kids food issues.

That truly was always the plan. And we were confident that we had enough love and good-will deposited in each others buckets to survive until that day came.

Here’s where it gets tricky. When do you know you can start shifting the priorities around?

When dealing with a chronic issue like FPIES that has put your marriage last, when do you start to put your marriage first again?

I think we both sort of thought it would be when Zac grew out of FPIES. We’d never really defined the benchmarks for priority shuffling we were looking for.

This April, when we discovered goat milk is safe for Zac, we suddenly had the “FPIES out” we needed. Goat milk, while not a complete replacement for my breast milk, allowed us to occasionally take advantage of the grandparent baby-sitting service and spend time together.

Only, we never did.

While we’d never actually discussed when we were going to start putting some effort back in to our marriage, I think we both recognized that goat milk was the right time to start making some effort.

Since neither one of us made any efforts in that way, we both – without realizing it – started growing resentful and angry.

Now, I titled this post “How We Saved Our Marriage”, but I can promise you that Darrel and I were never bad enough to talk divorce, or even counseling. So some might think I’m being a tad over-dramatic in the title.

But I don’t really think so.

While we hadn’t trashed our marriage so badly that we were about to end it, we were in the beginning stages of habits, patterns, and thoughts that would put us directly on the path of marital destruction.

When you get a hole in the side of your boat, is it better to patch it right away? Or wait until you’re halfway – or completely – submerged before addressing the issue? Either way, you save the boat, right?

One simply has far fewer long term consequences and clean-up involved.

So yes, Darrel and I were heading down a bad path.

Sometime in the last few weeks, it came to a head. We suddenly realized what we were doing, and recognized that we really, really needed to do something about it.

We needed to figure out how to fix “us” so we would have an “us” in ten more years.

We needed to save our marriage. 

And we did. 

How we did it, though, is not something that can be summarized too quickly, and this post is already quite long. So stay tuned for the rest of the story. (Nothing like a cliff-hanger, right?)

Before I go on with what we did to fix things, I’d like to know: do other parents sometimes feel like their marriage has been thrown under the FPIES bus?