Nursing Zac last night. He’s become quite the acrobat while nursing; in this case, he’s sitting almost at my side watching TV.
The “looks” have started.
I suppose it was going to happen eventually; in fact, we’re probably lucky it has taken this long to start. Zac is pretty small for his age, so most people probably just assume he’s younger than almost 16 months old.
But the “looks” have started, nonetheless.
What “look” am I talking about?
Well, there are slight variations of the “look”, but they’re all basically the same. For example, I’m nursing Zac in public, and I might get:
– The “ohmygoodness WHAT is she doing still nursing him at that age! That’s disgusting! He’s going to be warped for life!” look.
– Or the lip curled, sneering “oh, she’s one of those Moms. Super granola-crunchy. Probably doesn’t wear deodorant. I bet she doesn’t discipline her children, either. She probably insists they call her by her first name.” look.
– Or the “Oh, dear! In MY day, we had the common decency to keep our breasts where they belong – in our shirts! We gave our children bottles and that was good enough for them. Uppity women these days, thinking they know better than their mothers. How vulgar!” look.
Whatever variation on the theme I get, they’re all just looks of judgement.
Wanna know what look I want to give them in return?
Well, there’s not a nice way to describe that look. I’ll leave it up to your imagination.
It isn’t a pretty look.
I don’t do that, though.
Instead, I just smile, kiss Zac on his cute little (still semi-)bald head, and ignore them.
After all, what business is it of anyone’s whether I’m still nursing my child at almost 16 months of age? More importantly, who’s got time to deal with nasty, judgmental people? Not me! (Ain’t nobody got time for that!)
So, I just ignore the “looks”.
Unless they push it.
Sadly, that has already happened. So when Ms. Judgy McJudgerstein goes beyond shooting me dirty looks and ventures into “verbally questioning a stranger about her parenting practices” territory, I tell a story. A story befitting the “look” she just gave me.
A story of FPIES, and how my breast milk is the only thing keeping my son alive. How I’ve limited my diet for over a year to ten items in order to keep that breast milk safe for him. I go into graphic detail about the results of an FPIES reaction. Nothing is left to the imagination. Vomiting. Bloody diarrhea. Shock.
Hey, it’s the LEAST I can do, right?
Little Ms. Judgy McJudgerstein really should hear all about my precious sons acidic, open wound diaper rashes after giving me “the look” and having the nerve to begin a verbal smack-down, don’t you think?
<wicked grin>
Don’t worry; I have some tact. Most folks are just genuinely friendly and curious. They get the ‘spreading awareness’ story; just sharing about the existence of FPIES and broad strokes about details, omitting the really graphic parts.
I really do reserve the “story” for the nasty, judgmental people (sadly, usually women) who visibly stiffen in self-righteousness.
Now, I could simply tell Ms. Judgy that she needs to mind her own business because it’s not her concern, but where’s the fun in that? What better way to convey a line crossing than by pointing out just how FAR the line has been crossed?
Besides, why bother? It’s all been said before and she surely has heard the common wisdom: we should not judge others’ parenting choices.
And still she gives the “look”.
Mama’s like me still get judged.
I just thought I’d share what that “look” will get you if you’re rude and nasty enough to use it on me.
Either I ignore you, or I shove your foot so far down your throat it touches the ground again with our story of FPIES.
Ms. Judgy McJudgerstein? Consider yourself warned.
__________
Truly, I don’t intend to start a big pro or con breastfeeding debate, but I’m curious: what is the deal with America’s squeamishness about breastfeeding? Where on earth does that come from? And why in Heaven’s name do people feel they have the right to tell a perfect stranger how she’s doing this whole ‘parenting thing’ wrong?
I think it comes down to them being defensive of the way they raised their children. They’re afraid that if someone is doing it differently then they must be insinuating that they did it wrong. I never had anyone comment on breastfeeding, but I did have a woman ask me if I was suffocating Nicky because I was carrying him around in his tummy to tummy carrier which was the only way he didn’t scream his tiny fuzzy little head off. It was cute though because she was like 80 and her daughter was with her, and she was like don’t be silly mom of course she’s not. Girls do it differently now a days. Oh and I did get lots of looks for not keeping socks on my children too… LOL
LOL Nana ALWAYS commented that my boys feet must be cold! Drove me batty! Mom said it was just something about that generation and how they always had to cover the babies feet, though, so I guess that’s it.
You’re the second person to point out that people are defensive about the way they raised their kids…even if it’s just an ‘attack’ that is entirely in their own heads. Maybe you and Rebecca are on to something there. 🙂
I BF’d my twins until they self weaned at 2 1/2. tandem feeding twins in public can make you feel like a circus act in public and even worse when they are older past the “presumed” limit of acceptable breastfeeding. I rarely let it bug me, but there were some jabs that stung a little behind closed doors…most of it from those closest to me. Old habits and misconecptions are hard to break. But I do think in some area’s it is getting better. I have seen a few mom’s getting bad looks or snide remarks while nursing in public I generally give a I have been there look, I don”t pick sides. I feel that with our food issues it was the best thing I could do for my kids in my situation. I don”t think anyone should be shamed for chooising to bf or not. just do the best you can with the situation you are in.
Wow! I can’t even imagine tandem feeding twins! You ROCK!
I agree; no one should be shamed for their decision on how to feed their child. With our kiddos food issues, you and I just have extra ammunition for the naysayers, though. 🙂
I just didn’t get it when I had never nursed a baby. So maybe that’s all it is, people haven’t done it. Once I was nursing, boobs were just boobs, and nursing modestly became a coveted skill (I’d check moms out all the time and think, man how are they making that look so easy!). My husband says the same thing now. Haha! He used to feel so awkward when he saw someone nursing. And I realized how HARD it is to nurse on the go. My boy eats every hour, and has always been a crazy handful. I realized then how much I just needed people’s understanding to be able to feed him where we were at.
LOL I know exactly what you mean! When I was nursing Jed, I was positively buried under layers of nursing covers, wraps, etc. and when he finally reached the point where he was too squirmy to nurse modestly I spent untold hours of my life sitting in a parked car nursing him or visiting the dressing rooms of whatever store I was shopping in to nurse him in semi-private. With Zac I was MUCH more “whatever” about the whole thing – we nurse wherever, whenever! But I also forced myself to learn how to use the Ergo baby carrier with Zac, when I avoided it as “too difficult” with Jed. BEST THING EVER! Honestly, in that thing I nurse Zac all the time and most people aren’t even aware I’m nursing. The ones who do, though, well, some of them inspired this post. 🙂
It’s jealousy and/or fear. No one I have ever talked to is 100% happy with their baby’s first year. No one. Every single mama I know has some moment in the birth story, or in the process of nursing (or not), or in the choice of childcare (or not), or in the first time they left baby to go out on a date (or not) that they regret. We obsess over other people’s choices with their babies because we all have something we wish we had done differently with our own.
I knew you’d say this, Rebecca! And, good point. First time Mama’s always have things we wish we’d known that first year. For me, though, that translates to generally saying “Hey, as long as you both survived – good mothering!” instead of judgement. So I still kinda don’t get it.
I am the opposite, I nursed both my girls and wouldn’t have done it any other way but I look at people propping up their bottles instead of holding their baby and think why in the world aren’t you breast feeding? I look at women who are breast feeding and think, wooo hoooo, they are doing the best for their babies. I understand there are those who don’t have enough milk but many don’t even try. So I applaud you for doing what is best for your baby and the people who stare give them a free pass for their ignorance.
LOL I’m so grateful formula exists for so many reasons, but I agree: if you don’t have to, why on earth would you mess with bottles when boobies are so much easier? Thanks, Carolyn!
I remember those looks. I breastfed Chloe until she was two, and plan on doing the same with Ian. I don’t plan on being as nice to people this time…
LOL I can only imagine what you’ll say! 😉 Ian is such a cutie, by the way, and I can’t believe how beautiful Chloe has gotten! She was always a pretty girl, but dang – she’s turning into a knockout!!
You go get ’em, Mama!