The Sweetest Child on Earth

Yesterday was an icky day.  Mr. Happy was cutting his first tooth, so of course he wanted to be held CONSTANTLY.  Mr. Charm was whiny in the morning.  I gave up on getting anything done besides staying alive.

After their naps, both boys were in better spirits, though Mr. Happy still wanted to be held a lot.  I noticed that he strained quite a bit when he pooped once, but everything looked normal so I didn’t think much of it.

Just before dinner time, I took Mr. Happy in to change another diaper, and this time I saw BLOOD.  Not a lot, but not a little, either.  Even though it was visible blood, I still tested it and yes, it was definitely positive for blood.

(insert stomach dropping here)

I instantly fell into a deep funk and general listlessness.  How could he have blood in his diaper NOW?   6 weeks of nursing, 10 weeks of an elimination diet…why now?

Did he get some rice or chicken contamination?  Mr. Charm loves to share with his brother – did he feed him something when I wasn’t looking?

Could it be the teething?  Maybe that straining to poop thing earlier gave him an anal tear and that is what caused the blood?

Please, God, say it isn’t an FPIES reaction!

While I stumbled around the house in this depressed fog, I managed to re-heat last nights dinner for Mr. Charm to eat, and he was running around the table occasionally taking a bite.

He had knocked over some boxes that were stacked in the dining room (please say that someday all the boxes will be gone from my house!) and all the mail off the breakfast bar.  Mr. Happy wouldn’t let me put him down without screaming bloody murder, so I bent over, holding my 4 month old, picked up the boxes, and turned around to pick up the mail.  Just as I had the mail nicely stacked and ready to put back on the counter, I heard a noise.

I turned around and Mr. Charm had knocked over the boxes I had JUST stacked up!  In the process of chastising him, I managed to not put the mail all the way on the counter and it slipped off the edge…right back on the floor.

Suddenly I lost it.  I laid Mr. Happy down on the floor and yelled at Mr. Charm.  ”Why does everything have to be knocked over?  Why can NOTHING ever stay on the counters?”

Suddenly I realized, I wasn’t really mad at him.  I was mad at life.  Food.  FPIES.  FructMal.  I was mad at doing the best I could, doing BETTER than my best, and it still not being enough to keep my children healthy.  I was just MAD.

So I turned away from Mr. Charm and screamed at the Heavens “WHY?  WHY?  WHY???” and laid my head on top of the breakfast bar, slamming my hands onto the counter.  And I began to cry.

Before a tear could even fall, I felt a little hand gently touch my arm.

I turned, and there was Mr. Charm, looking at me with concern on his face.

“Ow?” he asked.

I picked him up and hugged him tight.  Then I looked him right in the eyes and said, “Yes, sweetie.  Mommy owies on the inside.”

He immediately leaned forward and gave me three kisses on my face.

It didn’t fix me; I’m still mad and devastated and scared.  But it took the brunt of the edge off my agony.

I have the sweetest child on earth.  The sweetest CHILDREN on earth.  How could that not soften your heart and lessen your pain?

(And for the record, I’m usually much more calm and composed around my children.  As I said, it was an icky day and the blood totally knocked me down. I debated about sharing this story, as it’s not one of my finer moments.  But this is one of those ‘real’ moments parents have, and I’m extending grace to myself and hoping you’ll do the same.)

I still don’t know what caused the blood; if this is the start of a problem or a random occurrence will only be proven with time.  Whatever it is, though, I’ll get up, put on my big girl panties, and deal with it.  My sweet boys are worth better than my best.