Miley Cyrus and Mrs. Hall

I’m veering far off from my normal topics here, and posting at an irregular time, but I just can’t help myself. I hope you’ll bear with me as I get a little something off my chest.

Just a couple weeks ago, Miley Cyrus traipsed her scantily clad self across the stage, gyrated in an overtly sexual manner and basically acted like a stripper for all the world to see.

In case you live under a rock and missed the spectacle, the outrage was intense; people were shocked and horrified that a young woman would behave in such a manner. Those that were more calm in their approach STILL generally commented that they thought it was sad, and a prime example of a “teaching moment” for their own daughters.

(I’m not going to link to any of the specific blog posts I’m thinking of here. For one thing, I don’t intend to start a ‘war of words’ with anyone, and for another thing, I’m sure you all saw and read many posts that follow along those lines.)

This week, Mrs. Hall wrote FYI (if you’re a teenage girl), and the outrage is equally intense – only, it seems to be intense in the opposite direction.

People were outraged that Miley acted like a slut on stage, using it as a teachable moment for their daughters (I’m assuming to teach them how to NOT act like a slut in public), yet some of those same people are outraged that Mrs. Hall had the audacity to publicly call attention to ill-advised photo choices on Facebook by regular teenage girls.

So which is it?

How is it “Miley’s fault” and “Miley’s poor choices” when she dresses provocatively, twerks on a married man, and presents herself as an overly sexualized female…but somehow, when a regular teenage girl posts pictures of herself in her nightie (sans bra) in a provocative, sexualized pose it is NOT her “fault” or “poor choice” that is at issue – it is somehow the young men of the world who are being slammed for not being able to “keep it zipped” and “control themselves”?

There’s a double standard here, and it’s NOT coming from the men, folks!

Being a woman, I absolutely understand the point of view that women should be able to wear whatever they want (whenever they want), behave however they want (whenever they want), and say whatever they want (whenever they want).

Being a smart woman, however, I have to say that line of thinking is just a load of crap.

Now, I’m not saying that we need to blame the rape victim because she wore a crop top; that is reprehensible.

I am saying that we need to face facts.

The fact is, people do  judge you by how you dress and conduct yourself. (Witness job interview tips and tricks: how to dress, how to shake hands, how to answer questions dynamically, etc. Why would people go to that trouble if they were NOT being judged by how they dress and conduct themselves?)

That holds true in the dance between men and women as well.

Being the mother of sons, I agree wholeheartedly that we need to teach our young men how to behave properly and “control themselves”.

I am, however, unwilling to place all the blame on young men for bad behavior, when our daughters are – apparently – not being taught the same things. 

It takes two to tango, you know.

So for those naysayers of Mrs. Hall, who commented that she needs to “stop blaming the girls” and “teach her sons some self-control”, here is what *I* will be telling MY sons about women:

Boys, I am raising you to be Good Men.

There’s a lot that goes in to being a Good Man, but as far as how a Good Man views and treats women, here’s a primer:

Good Men do not regard women as only sexual objects. Good Men see women as creatures of beauty and love, and treat them that way.

Good Men respect women and admire them. They protect women. Good Men use their natural physical strength to defend women when necessary. Good Men NEVER use that strength to hurt women. Ever.

Good Men are chivalrous; they will open doors and hold coats, because it is the courteous thing to do – not because they think the woman can’t do it herself.

Good Men can look at a picture of a scantily clad woman, be aroused by it, and still choose not to act upon those desires or treat the woman with disrespect.

Good Men are – wait for it – GOOD MEN. They are honorable, fair, trustworthy, loyal. They are defenders of the weak, and protectors of the innocent. Often – not always – but often, women need defending…and a Good Man will always do that for her.

Good Men are not, however, patsy’s who let themselves be run over, taken advantage of, or devalued by others.

As such, Good Men will seek out Good Women; women who have inner strength and inner beauty and show grace and determination in their demeanor.

Good Women have the good sense to know that, unfair as it may be, people WILL judge you based on your dress and comportment. Good Women know this, and while perfectly willing and happy to dress sexy at appropriate times, will not post pictures of themselves in their nightgowns (with no bra) on the internet.

A Smart  Woman will also have the sense to know that you can’t act like Lindsay Lohan and expect people to treat you like Margaret Thatcher.

Smart Men and Women – Good  Men and Women – understand that it may not always be fair, these supposed double-standards and assumptions about people – but fair or not IT IS WHAT IT IS. Smart People understand that it’s easier to accept that and move on with life than waste a lot of time and energy being angry about “the unfairness” of it all.

Life IS unfair in a lot of ways. Smart, Good People accept that; they fight against what they can, accept what they cannot fight, and move on to issues that they can affect.

Boys, I say all this to you as a woman who had self-esteem issues in her youth. It took a lot of years for me to realize that my efforts at trying to be “liked” and “cool” were causing people to treat me with actual disrespect. I could not understand why I could never find a Good Man to date and marry; why all men acted like jerks to me. So I understand completely where many of these misguided girls are coming from.

Finally, one day, I “got it”. I understood that *I* could make people treat me with respect by how I behaved; my dress and demeanor was a large part of that. And when I gained that understanding, I didn’t waste time trying to change the world around me.

I changed myself. 

I raised my standards and started acting like the Good Woman I knew I was. Lo and behold, within a few short months I met your Daddy. A Good Man.

A man who will – and has – walked through fire for me and you. A man who treats all people with respect, but places his family first. A man who will never put himself first in our family – who will always put the three of us ahead of himself in every way.

The kind of man I want you to be.

So be Good Men, sons. Don’t treat scantily-clad women with disrespect, don’t view them as ‘easy conquests’, don’t behave badly towards them.

But be discerning. A woman who is willing to allow people to think bad things about her because of how she dresses and behaves may well be a wonderful, amazing woman – but she shows a severe lack of self-respect by conducting herself in a way that allows others to create negative views of her.

So don’t waste your time dating those types of women. They don’t respect THEMSELVES enough to be able to properly respect YOU.

P.S. Sons, this goes for you, too.  If you dress like a sloppy thug, refuse to dress appropriately for the occasion, wear ratty, smelly clothes with your underwear showing…well, you’re just asking for people to form negative opinions of YOU as well. Be smarter than that; show some respect for yourself and the people around you by behaving and dressing like the Good Men I KNOW you are.

__________

So, someone has finally addressed the YOUNG MEN on this issue. Bottom line: people judge. It’s human nature. We can either work with that basic human instinct, or stomp our feet like children crying “No fair!”

What do you think? Should we all just “put on our big girl panties” (and bras – no selfies, please!) and accept reality? Or continue to whine about it all?