My babies are bald. And they have delicious gummy smiles.
I drink in the smell of Mr. Happy’s little bald head. One day, in about six or seven more months, he’ll have enough hair that I won’t be able to kiss his sweet scalp. I’ll be kissing peach fuzz, instead.
And I’ll miss his little, bald head.
One day he’ll have enough teeth that I won’t see his adorable, gummy smile. And I’ll miss the way his little baby face grins with gums.
I’m trying to soak it all in; memorize every millisecond of his essential ‘baby-ness’, because I may never get to have it again.
I’d like more children. Correction: I’d LOVE more children.
But the Geek and I are in a place right now where we just don’t know if we should have any more.
There are lots of reasons. Each of our children has cost us an exorbitant amount of money in their first few months on Earth in medical bills. The FPIES, MPI, IgE allergies, and Fructose Malabsorption issues require HUGE amounts of effort to keep in check, in addition to that financial strain.
The Geek is 41 years old; I’m 35. If we were to get pregnant right now, the Geek would still be 60 before our youngest was off to college. Since we can’t get pregnant right now (too dangerous to risk my milk supply for Mr. Happy’s FPIES), he’ll probably be pushing retirement age before the youngest has flown the coop (if we wait until Mr. Happy weans to conceive).
My job is highly unstable right now. We already don’t know what we would do with the permanent loss of my income; add another child to the mix – especially one with high medical bills and health issues (which is likely) – and we REALLY don’t know what we would do with the loss of my income.
So, for now, we are probably done. For now. We’re open to thinking about it again after Mr. Happy has self-weaned, whenever that is.
It breaks my heart, honestly. If we are done, I’ll probably be sad about the lack of a third child for the rest of my life. I’ll be angry that food is the reason I can’t have more children.
So, for now, I drink Mr. Happy in. I revel in his babbles, his gummy grins, his absolute baby adorableness in every thing he does.
I don’t want to blink. Baby-hood goes by SO FAST. I don’t want to miss a thing.
It might be all I ever get.
Have your kiddos’ health issues put the kibosh on any future children you were planning to have? Does it break your heart, too?